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2003-04-08 ~ 10:33 p.m.
Listening to: Listening to: "And I just can't see-that half-of us-imm mersed-in sin-is-what we-haaaave to give thaaa FUTURE." Good song. Ugggh my life is CRAP. I just feel so useless. I'm like a vegetable. In that figurative way, not like I really feel like a carrot or something. Ugh. I'm not DOING anything with myself. Wake up, go to school, come home. I'm not even getting a lot of homework so when I come home I just watch TV and then I feel even MORE useless. There aren't even any other options. I practiced piano for like 2 1/2 hours today, and still have NOT mastered the rest of the church music. I'm really getting worried... ...because I've never accompanied anyone on the piano before, at least not in front of a real audience. And although I would like to (and think I could) become a good accompanist, I don't really like the idea of starting out under a lot of pressure--aka, the Easter Mass. I think I might have jumped into this one too quickly. I'm not prepared. And I know this is my fault--he gave me the music 2 weeks ago and a good musician (or at least a good person) would have memorized a lot of it by now. And also, there's just a certain skill to being an accompanist, I think. You have to be able to react and keep playing if the singer makes a mistake, or if you yourself make a mistake. And I've never had to do that under pressure before. I'd rather start out slow and build up to something big, instead of jumping right in. I hope my parents and Mr. Rabic understand. I've decided that I'm going to definitely try really hard to learn the music inside and out by this Friday, and if I haven't been able to do that by Friday, I'm going to tell my parents and Mr. Rabic that I'll have to back out. It's going to be really hard. I wish I could just reprint all these reasons I just typed, and send it to them. I would totally do that, if written word wasn't seen as very detached and impersonal. I guess I will have to do my best just telling them. But I swear I'm going to try to get the music right anyway. I don't want to feel like a failure. Nope. That's never good. Ugh I'm in the worst mood ever. Every little thing anyone says to me is just really irking me. I must seem like such a bitch to like anyone I'm talking to right now. But, to follow along with the bitch pattern, I really don't care right now. I hate how I'm not allowed to have a single off day without people asking me in that weird tone, "Are you mad or something? What's wrong?" There's nothing wrong with me, I'm just not all smile-smile like everyone thinks I am, do you have a problem with that? I have things to worry about too, things that do not pertain to our stupid school, or your stupid life, or basically ANYTHING that you think I might be thinking about right now. Honestly. People don't know me like they think they do. I rarely let anyone know about any of my truly personal ordeals. Mostly the things that affect me most are family matters that I just would never tell to anyone. I'm not talking like everyday happenings, minor (or even major) arguments, or even financial crises. I mean really serious stuff...sombering stuff that I wouldn't dare let leak out of the house. I care much more about my family's opinion of me than all others. Because in all truth, not to be all Doc-Vivone-like, but my family comes first. I'd take a bullet for my family members, even my sister--especially my sister. For my friends? Gee, sorry guys. Maybe if I was in a really really generous mood. Anyway, sorry this entry was all ominous and dramatic. I'm just so sick of everything. I can't imagine that I have 2 more years of this before I can MOVE ON with my life. Aaaaand now I'm going to sleep because everything is giving me a headache. Goodnight, D-land.
Falling Upward ~ Falling Downward
Miss Anything? i'm portable - 2005-02-16 busy making big mistakes - 2004-06-12 i'm sorry I know that's a strange way to tell you - 2004-03-21 hello darkness - 2004-03-17 another night slips away - 2004-03-15
All words � MM 2001-03 |
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