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2002-04-24 ~ 6:35 p.m.
Listening to: Listening to: Nothing. La la la la la la la I HATE MY LIFE. My parents yelled at me again because of my report card. And you know what I think? I think I stopped caring. I got five B's and three A's and I have learned that apparently that's the best I can do. I used to think I was really smart and outstanding but I guess I've just been deluding myself. I'm just FREAKING AVERAGE and AVERAGE people grow up to be SECRETARIES and SUPERMARKET CLERKS. Not that I have anything whatsoever against secretaries or supermarket clerks. It's just, I wasn't planning on taking on either profession. You know, I try to feel good about myself and everything but it's just so hard when no one around me seems to comprehend that I'm a very sensitive person. I mean it's so pathetic but I am affected by the littlest comment that someone makes about me. My friend Lisa sometimes says to me "My God Melissa you are always so happy." But I can't take that as a compliment. Oh no. I have to go and superanalyze it and dissect it. And I come to the conclusion that no one wants to be around someone who is happy all of the time because it gets annoying. But at the same time I can't help it. So what am I supposed to do? I drive myself absolutely crazy. I think I have schizophrenia. And it also doesn't help that my best friend is smarter, taller, skinnier, prettier, more talented and has a cooler family than me. Sorry Lindsay but you are now in the line of fire. Sometimes it seems like everyone has it better than me. I sound super-self absorbed but right now I don't really care. This is the sort of thing that makes kids run away from home. Not that I'm going to run away from home. But I am pretty upset. A lot of times I feel like I always have to act content. I mean my family is from a third-world country. And I've taken trips there. I know how bad it is for other people, and I guess I'm supposed to be grateful for the things I have--i.e. the ability to read, a (semi) functional family, an education. But it's times like these when I realize that I cannot be happy all of the time. But the problem is, because I'm not used to venting my anger or disappointment, I don't know what to do with myself. I overreact and I get mad at people I shouldn't get mad at. Rrrrrr. Am I weird? I'm totally serious. I think something is wrong with me. I can't believe that just one fight with my parents could set me off like this. I don't know what to do :( *tear*
Falling Upward ~ Falling Downward
Miss Anything? i'm portable - 2005-02-16 busy making big mistakes - 2004-06-12 i'm sorry I know that's a strange way to tell you - 2004-03-21 hello darkness - 2004-03-17 another night slips away - 2004-03-15
All words � MM 2001-03 |
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