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2002-07-22 ~ 11:10 p.m.
Listening to: Listening to: Billy Gilman YAY. RRR the frustration!! I just argued for like fifteen minutes with Lindsay about baby names. It wasn't a real argument, we never have real arguments, it was just me listing names that I like and her saying "I don't like that name." You see, I crave approval, why do you think that I write in this diary? So when someone says they don't like a decision I've made, I'm like *tear rolls down cheek* But but but!!! Can't you just say "That's okay." The reason I don't like to criticize peoples' personal decisions is because I hate it when people do it to me. Like, I don't point out all the spelling mistakes my sister makes unless she asks me to. Because even though I would be helping her by showing her the right way to do it, I am scared of shattering her self-esteem by telling her that she is WRONG WRONG EVER SO WRONG. I have a feeling that my self-image was ruined in a similar way by my parents putting me down a lot. They didn't do it harshly, and they never put me down in public. But it still hurt. I'd look in the mirror as an eleven year old and see an enormous, hideous, stupid girl that no one could possibly like. I'm not that codependent, so after a while I realized that I am not stupid or that fat, or that ugly, and I understand why my parents said those things to me and why I reacted that way. But I'm still really sensitive. So sensitive, apparently, that I almost want to cry when Lindsay doesn't approve of my choices in baby names. I am a freak of nature. I'm not a delusional freak of nature, though. I understand why she doesn't like the names, she's just Lindsay and she's, well, she's got her own set of standards for everything. But deep down I can't help but feeling that because she doesn't like the names I chose, she...doesn't like me, either. Which is totally crazy. I mean if she didn't like me, why would she put up with my weirdness and why would she talk to me all the time and stuff, right? But then again. She could only be putting up with my weirdness because we both have somewhat similar tastes in music. But then again, who does that? Do you see what goes on in my mind??? You know what? I think it's just too late and my day has been too boring and I'm just having a little breakdown. I'm going to go to sleep and I'll be 150% better in the morning. I promise. And Lindsay, sorry for putting you in the the line of fire, but I have to vent somewhere. You're still super cool, I promise. You have my permission to get mad at me in my guestbook.
Falling Upward ~ Falling Downward
Miss Anything? i'm portable - 2005-02-16 busy making big mistakes - 2004-06-12 i'm sorry I know that's a strange way to tell you - 2004-03-21 hello darkness - 2004-03-17 another night slips away - 2004-03-15
All words � MM 2001-03 |
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