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2002-10-18 ~ 8:51 p.m.
Listening to: Listening to: SHOT THROUGH THE HEART. How very appropriate. Well Lindsay just left and Anna just arrived and I must say I feel like crap. Lindsay's departure made me realize that I actually have things to do and subjects to study for. Anna's arrival reminded me that the rest of her family is coming tomorrow and also that next week I am going have to go to a stupid costume party and display my mediocre piano-playing skills to an "educated and discriminating" audience. Whoopee. I'm honestly feeling unhappy about my piano-playing level. I'm doing fine with my recital piece but I don't want to perform it at all, and what's worse is that the recital is a week from tomorrow. I'm not motivated--and since I'm not motivated I don't think I'm going to do so hot. Music used to be really fun. That was before I started feeling like I had to prove my "skills" to other people in order to be considered a good musician. I mean let's be honest, not everyone is blessed with the natural ability to read music. Reading music was not something that came naturally to me. I learned it over time. But I'm proud of the fact that I can now--It's so cool being able to turn lines and dots on paper into music--and I love to play. But when I feel like I have to prove myself to people, that's when things get ugly. It's gotten to the point where I feel like, if I'm not the absolute best, I'm not a good enough musician. And nobody seems to get it because either a) they don't take their music as seriously as I do, or b) they already are the best at whatever intstrument they play. I just want to play, because it makes me happy, but at the same time I want to impress people because it also makes me happy. I need to choose--but I can't. Case and point: This evening I was sight-reading through a couple of songs in a new book that my aunt brought over from the Philippines. I'll admit I'm not much of a sight-reader, but I do it anyway because it makes me feel like I'm getting smarter; kind of learning from my mistakes. But it's not supposed to be like that. I've been playing the piano for 9 years. If it was purely learned skill I should have it down by now. So it must just be me. Maybe my attention span is too short, or my mind can't process the information quick enough for my fingers to react. But mostly I think it's because written music does not really come naturally to me. Tones and pitches, those come easy. Play a scale or chord and I can tell you which one it is, no problem. But actually working it out on the paper, using my mind and my motor skills, that's a challenge. That's the real challenge of music, and I guess I'm just not up to it. The part that really makes me upset is that I can't talk to anyone about stuff like this. I can't talk to my dad, because he's under the mentality that if you can't naturally do something, learn how to do it PERFECTLY, or quit. I can't talk to any of my aunts or uncles cause they're really good musicians. I can't talk to any of my bandmates cause most of them don't take music as seriously as me, and those who do are like first chair EVERYTHING. And sorry Linds, but I especially couldn't confide something like this in you. I just don't feel like I could ever explain my situation enough for you to even feel a little sympathy for me. Admit it, you're amazingly talented. Gifted, even. Do you know how inferior that makes me feel? I know you don't mean to do it, but it happens whether I want it to or not. I guess this is why I have this diary. Where else can I let myself just like explode and totally bitch about everything, without anyone judging me? Well, I guess people could judge me if they wanted to, but I hardly ever get any feedback so it's really not important. Wow that last sentence made me sound really desperate and lonely. Honestly, I'm not, I just have a bit of a self-esteem problem and I'm feeling especially self-esteemless right now. I might get over this, but it'll always be in the back of my head. I tend to keep ignoring this feeling until it comes straight out into the open again and then I freak out like I am now. There is seriously no better news for me to offer, though. I have like 5 hours of homework, I have to play at church on Sunday with the out-of-tune soprano sax, I've got like a trillion tests/quizzes next week, I also have to drive all the way up to Long Island just so I can have my non-existent piano skills judged by my family, and then I have my piano recital which I have a feeling might be my last one. Yes I'm upset. Leave me alone. I'm going to read a book.
Falling Upward ~ Falling Downward
Miss Anything? i'm portable - 2005-02-16 busy making big mistakes - 2004-06-12 i'm sorry I know that's a strange way to tell you - 2004-03-21 hello darkness - 2004-03-17 another night slips away - 2004-03-15
All words � MM 2001-03 |
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