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2003-01-26 ~ 11:16 p.m.
Listening to: Listening to: Here's a little ditty. It's about Jack...AND Diane. So today I've been thinking about lots of things that I might want to do in the future. But I haven't actually done anything about that. It seems logical that thinking about doing something would motivate me to do it. Au contraire, in fact it makes me want to hold off on actually carrying out the task. For instance, I was thinking that I should maybe finish off these two books for English that were assigned in like November, that are due tomorrow. I've been thinking that I should finish at least one of them, all weekend. But that just made me not want to finish it. And now I'm screwed. Hurrah for procrastination! I kind of just want to skip over all this preliminary leaning-English stuff and get right to the teaching. I understand everything. Symbolism, and themes, and motifs, and imagery, and all that literary analysis stuff--that excites me already! I understand it in an unexplainable way and I enjoy it almost obsessively. I do not have a problem with interpretation, but I do have a problem with interpreting books the way that Vivone wants us to. This is why I just want to be the teacher--to see if I can explain it any better than my teachers have. The best English teacher I've had so far was one I've mentioned several times before, Mr. Swaney. A lot of people thought he sucked, but he and I thought the same way, and analyzed books the same way. I know because I always got all the answers right. But I digress. I've also been thinking about getting my hair cut reeeeal short again. I found a picture of what I want in a magazine that I bought today. Short haircuts are totally addictive. Once you've had a super-short haircut for a while, you start to get annoyed with the way you look with long hair, and long hair actually becomes a hindrance. My hair is taking wayyyyy too long to dry right now, and that pisses me off. I cannot wait to chop off my locks. And, of course, I've been thinking about asking PF to Cotillion. He's the only guy I have physical contact with every day, and the only one who's shown signs of being interested. I'm a little bit like, "What do I have to lose," but a little bit like "Well, my dignity for one." I do like him, he's really sweet, but he is a typical guy, and that can get annoying (as Julie knows). But it's not like I don't get super loud and annoying at times. I don't know. There's also the extreme stress that goes with trying to ask a guy to a dance. Now, I have never experienced this stress first hand, but if just thinking about it brings me close to having a coronary, imagine how actually DOING it must be. I'd probably spontaneously combust.
Then if he says no, I'll probably go into the bathroom for the rest of the day and cry and stare at my puffy red face in my compact mirror and say "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING" to my reflection, and everyone would think I was more crazy that I actually am. And then if he said yes, well. First of all I'd probably spontaneously combust (see above). And then when my molecules re-configure, I'd have to tell, uhhh EVERYONE. And I'd be oh so happy. But then there'd be the inhibitions once again. I'd be afraid that one of the other Special Boys would randomly decide to ask me, and then I'd be like...but-bu-bu-bu. Or "HGE" from Miss Bing's house would suddenly take a huge interest in me and I'd have the opportunity to ask him to Cotillion but I wouldn't be able to. And then there'd be the grief of knowing that my best friend wouldn't even be at the dance, so I would attempt to set her up with one of his friends, but it would probably turn into some huge fiasco, and, and, and! Do you see why it takes me so long to get ready in the morning? I have to dissect every single possible consequence of a decision, and even though I do this, I never prepare myself for the right consequence. It's a vicious cycle but it's how I live. Feedback? PLEASE? I'm a confused little girl right now. I have about 4 weeks until the big night and should I choose to ask him, I'll need at least a whole weekend to pick out a dress and shoes and that whole deal. :( High school sucks. This entry's too long and now I'm kind of depressing myself. My bedtime is 12:30 tonight, because I want to try to finish one of the English books, but I also need sleepy. So Goodnight, D-land
Falling Upward ~ Falling Downward
Miss Anything? i'm portable - 2005-02-16 busy making big mistakes - 2004-06-12 i'm sorry I know that's a strange way to tell you - 2004-03-21 hello darkness - 2004-03-17 another night slips away - 2004-03-15
All words � MM 2001-03 |
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