|
|
2003-09-28 ~ 9:08 p.m.
Listening to: She's alone in the, new pollution Today I was told I talk too much again. ::sigh:: Ever since I was little, teachers, friends, non-friends, family members, EVERYONE, have told me that: a) I talk to much, What can I say, I've got a lot on my mind. Maybe that's why writing is such a big deal for me. All the things during the day that I wasn't allowed to get out verbally, I can articulate on paper (or on computer screen, I guess) at the end of the day. I never thought it was a bad thing that I have a lot to say. But recently I've been getting my feelings hurt more and more often by comments like "Don't you ever stop talking" and "Whoooa slow down" and "I can hear you from all the way over here." They make me more self-conscious than you will ever know. People say them jokingly, thinking my feelings don't get hurt because I laugh it off, but really they're just adding to my already present insecurity. I've been doing that since I can remember--putting on a smile even when I'm dying inside, saving my tears for the privacy of my bedroom. After I cry in public I feel shame, not the catharsis I feel after I've had a good cry alone. I've been raised to put on a poker face in public when it comes to grief or anger, to take everything with a grain of salt. When I was young I would be scolded for getting upset in front of relatives. My father would say that crying and screaming makes you look melodramatic, and on top of that it makes you seem weak and co-dependent to others. It was kind of a lot for a little kid to fathom. But as I grew older I saw what he meant. People who wear their emotions on their sleeve just look like drama queens in the end, no matter how valid their reason for being upset or angry may be. Now, however, it's getting to the point where I almost can't contain my sadness or anger. People say things to me and I see things happen to people, and I just want to cry or scream. I don't want to hold it all in anymore and save it for the nightly journal session. I want to freak out about it to a random stranger, I want to sit down in the middle of the school hallway and cry and cry and cry, not caring who sees me and what people are thinking. But I can't. I just can't, I'm not supposed to. The sadness I show in front of my friends is a very shallow type of sadness. I freak out about little things a lot because otherwise I'd seem emotionless and boring. But the stuff about my life and the lives of others that really depresses me, the things that close a vice around my heart, I could never speak of. My goodness isn't it lucky that I've got D-land and Xanga to confide in. With online journals especially, you feel like at least one person is listening. I don't know what I'd do without these things. Thanks for listening, D-land.
Falling Upward ~ Falling Downward
Miss Anything? i'm portable - 2005-02-16 busy making big mistakes - 2004-06-12 i'm sorry I know that's a strange way to tell you - 2004-03-21 hello darkness - 2004-03-17 another night slips away - 2004-03-15
All words � MM 2001-03 |
>Who<
>Fun<
>Design<
|
|
|
