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2004-01-06 ~ 6:33 p.m.
Listening to: I am sinking into one of my "moods" again... they have been documented in my Xanga, much to my displeasure after going back and reading the entries. Well, I'm about to write one of those again so prepare to roll your eyes. I am deteriorating physically, mentally, and emotionally. I am constantly slipping in and out of this weird state of feeling essentially dormant and useless. Things make me smile and things make me laugh, but nothing makes me happy. I know what I feel like when I am truly, honestly happy. And that feeling hasn't happened for a long time--it's always weighted down by something I'm not looking forward to, or something someone did or said to me. I've tried to figure out how I can make myself happy but I just don't know how. It sucks how my happiness has to revolve around the actions of other people, and I need to change it, but I don't know how to stop myself. Today this huge cloud just kept following me everywhere and I felt like there was a two-ton anvil sitting on my chest all day. That's honestly the way I always feel about myself lately--accompanied by darkness and shadows, and weighted down by... what? What is keeping me from simply being happy? I don't know, and that's the scariest thing of all. When you don't know what's going on in your own mind, bad things happen to you. My initial instinct is to stay away from people in general, but being with my friends is also one of the few things that puts a smile on my face. The problem is, once my friends are gone, reality just slaps me in the face and I'm left wanting to do nothing but fall asleep on the couch and forget that I live. I can't DO anything right now... nothing seems worth it. I haven't done any work because what's the point? So I don't turn in a bunch of assignments and I fail junior year and don't get into college? Maybe I'll be HAPPIER that way. Maybe if all this pressure to go to college was lifted off of my chest, I could stop freaking out and stressing out about everything, and just be HAPPY. The reason I know I'm not insane, though, is because there's always that tiny voice in the back of my head saying "Shut the f*ck up, you know that's not true." Thank God for that voice. Still... I am not truly enjoying anything anymore. I have not let myself completely forget all my stress since like... last year. There's always that lingering thought: "Don't have too much fun because you still have ______ to get through and that's gonna be hell." Only problem is, once I get through whatever it is that I was stressed about, something new and even worse comes up and the cycle continues. I don't even know what I am trying to say in this entry... I just need to get some words out or I'm going to explode. I can't believe my stupidity and naivete and general misfortune, and I wish it didn't bother me that I was stupid and naive and unlucky. I am always looking for something that either I can't have, or never existed to begin with. And I'm tired of it. I wish someone could just help me, but I think the only person who can, is me. Now I have to go to flute lessons and pretend I care.
Falling Upward ~ Falling Downward
Miss Anything? i'm portable - 2005-02-16 busy making big mistakes - 2004-06-12 i'm sorry I know that's a strange way to tell you - 2004-03-21 hello darkness - 2004-03-17 another night slips away - 2004-03-15
All words � MM 2001-03 |
>Who<
>Fun<
>Design<
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