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2004-01-22 ~ 10:06 p.m.
Listening to: "Stand By You," the Pretenders miss bing is the only person who immediaely recognized my worsening cuticle-ripping problem as a sign of anxiety i didn't even notice it myself. it's a subconscious thing, i start picking at my fingers without thinking about it and then i go completely overboard, and i can't stop until every cuticle is gone, and next thing you know i'm bleeding all over my hands. today in piano i was bleeding from six fingers and miss bing stopped me and broke out the band-aids and antibacterial spray stuff and we set out to work on my stress issues i sound like a self-masochistic psycho right now, i know. but i can't think of any other way to talk about this except writing about it. plus i think i just needed to get all that out of my system and onto paper... er, i mean onto a ...screen. right. Sorry that part of the entry was all lowercase, it was going to be on my Xanga when I realized it was just too personal. I have been scaring myself a little in the past few days. The thoughts I've been having and the emotions I've been feeling are just uncharacteristic. I don't get it... I enjoyed the pain, I kept pushing and pushing the pain border to see how much I could take without letting on how much it hurt. :- It looks really creepy typed out like that but that's how I felt. And it's still how I feel and I don't know if I will be able to stop myself even though I have identified what makes me want to do this to myself. This is a problem I never would have expected myself to have. But it's not like I can like, die from picking my cuticles, right? It's not like cutting where you could make a wrong slice and end up bleeding to death, or anything. It's human nature to justify your actions. I know I sound ridiculous and deluded. But I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I swear someone is slipping crazy pills into all my food. Goodnight, D-land
Falling Upward ~ Falling Downward
Miss Anything? i'm portable - 2005-02-16 busy making big mistakes - 2004-06-12 i'm sorry I know that's a strange way to tell you - 2004-03-21 hello darkness - 2004-03-17 another night slips away - 2004-03-15
All words � MM 2001-03 |
>Who<
>Fun<
>Design<
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